Been home alone for nearly two weeks now, while I do love the peace and quiet the problem is I end up stuck inside my head for too long which causes me to remind myself of the currently failing to launch nature of my life so I'm gonna try and put those thoughts in to this post cause I feel like sharing might help me.
I kinda tried to stop posting all this "woe-is-me" bullshit cause I feel like people don't wanna hear this stuff and I'm sure that I still have it better than most but still, I feel like I'm stuck. I've been out of University for over two years now, with a 2:1 in Media Production and yet I feel like I have zero prospects or anything to really look forward too anytime soon. I've watched friends move forwards, find jobs and success and I can barely show my happiness or support for them because I'm so lost in my own lack of vision that I just try to avoid commenting entirely out of fear of saying something shitty.
The worst part is I'm convinced it's nothing to do with the current state of affairs and more just something about me that makes me completely un-hireable. Add on top of this how my epilepsy is an on-going struggle that still means I can't begin to learn to drive, or really entertain the idea of just moving out and I just don't know what I can do right now to feel like I'm making any sort of step forward.
Then the constant state of self-loathing kicks in. Over the past year I've started to feel like I'm losing touch with most of my friends which is in large part due to me. I decided to cut drinking in because it was causing issues with my epilespy, so I've just felt like a kind-of kill joy around friends who were drinking. Add on to this my constant internal thoughts that I'm just not a likeable person and I've found conventions a lot more difficult recently. That's not to say I haven't enjoyed them, London MCM, RTX Austin/London and RTUK were all the highlights of the year for me. Just starting to feel like I don't belong anymore.
With Let's Play Community channel still on hiatus and I've struggled with a complete and utter lack of motivation. I still want to push myself to make videos, I keep trying to talk myself in to trying to stream a little more often. But when I sit down to try and plan something I just lose interest. I've managed to sometimes put together video reviews for a personal channel I'm working on with my friend Eoin called Team BDF but outside of that. Nothing.
So yeah, that's about it. I know it's not the end of the year yet but I don't really have anything to look forward to this year and I've stuck thinking about stuff too much recently so I thought sharing might do me some good. I doubt it, but I figured I could do something. Also, the Y and 7 buttons on this Macbook are broken, and my main PC for gaming/video making isn't working for reasons I don't really know in turn taking all the Shadow of War and Mario Odyssey footage with it so that's cool I guess.