I'm psychologically committed to getting a head tattoo before next RTX.
That is all.
Tropes I Am What I Am
1 week agoTropes I Am What I Am
Not exactly, actually, I lost weight this week despite how much I've been eating. I'm closer to 188 now, which is odd. I've been eating very clean, but it's just been so much damn food. My assumption is that because of how clean I've kept it this week I've just lost waterweight and this is closer to my actual weight. But wither way, my goal is to get to at least 200 by March, preferably more, without putting on too much excess fat. So I'll need to reexamine my nutrition a little to get this figured out.
As for training, I've been doing two most days, an our or so of taekwondo and an hour or two of weightlifting. I'm currently doing Chris Hemsworth's Thor: Ragnarok program because I just saw that move and DAMN that guy is huge. It's been hard, and I don't think that I've ever been training as hard as I am now. And I have to admit I've never felt better.
I still haven't checked out my shoulder yet because I haven't had a chance, but I can't even imagine how awesome it'll be to eventually get that fixed. At the moment I have a few workarounds - namely floor press and using a bench block to do horizontal pressing motions, the only times my shoulder tends to actually hurt.
I also hard to describe another feeling, but there's a bouyancy in my step that wasn't there before, a smoothness to my movements I'm happy to have back. In some ways I've exceeded the things I could do before, although in other ways I'm still lagging a little behind. We'll see how things go, but I'm excited for the future!
1 week agoTropes I Am What I Am
So NaNoWriMo is done. It was easily the densest thing I've ever written. I got through the 50,000 words about a week ahead of schedule, and I still hadn't finished writing Act I. My goal now is to write other stuff while I figure out the future of the book since I'm not quite sure if I like the shape acts II and III are taking.
I'm going to spend today writing lyrics, or at least that's the hope, for my new band Born In Clouds. We're hoping to have our first show soon, and we'll set up social media when we get the chance. Also, if someone wants to design a hardcore/metalcore/metal logo on credit (I WILL pay, but I need a few more paychecks before I can physically be able to do so) then hit me up. Again, I will pay, just delayed a little bit.
I'm training my ass off recently, in fact I did, and bear with me here, eleven distinct workouts over the last five days. I'll grant that was a bit much even for me and the two solid rest days of today and tomorrow will be very well valued, but damn it feels good to cut loose sometimes.
Speaking of feeling good, despite the efforts of the Trump administration my healthcare costs through MassHealth are not going to go up, at least not yet. So I want to go see a doctor about my shoulder to see if I can get that fixed. If I can then there's no telling what I'll be capable of once I regain and exceed all my old abilities. As it stands whenever I do horizontal pressing motions it hurts, and occasionally rotating and vertical motions do as well. It also clicks a lot when I move my scapula. Since it's my dominant side this is a big problem, especially when I'm punching and blocking - if every time I try to block a kick my shoulder hurts that could end pretty badly for me.
Speaking of my old abilities, it's been four years and eleven months since I moved into the Shim Gwang Sa Mind-Light Temple, and three years and eleven months since I left it forever. That's a sobering thought.
Speaking of sobriety, it's been three months and one week since the last time I had a drink. I'm kind of proud of that.
So how y'all doing?
3 weeks agoTropes I Am What I Am
I seem to go in a cycle of emotional boom and bust. Especially in the fall, and double-especially this time of the fall, I feel like I tend to emotionally deaden a little bit. Not in the sense that I get numb to emotional pain or frustration, but in the sense that everything just gets dull.
This time four years ago I made a very significant life choice. It wasn't a decision anyone I know, or most people in the world, has had to make, involving the very nature of my mind and spirit. I feel like even the brush with the alternative I didn't take might have altered the way I process emotion and thought in some ways, and it becomes very stark at this time of year. I become a little detached, that half-step away from everything I feel like I unconsciously keep myself at widens. I don't like that this happens, and even when I'm not in this state I'm trying to become more actively emotional, but to then act on those emotions in a conscious way - letting my emotions guide me rather than either rule me or be ignored, the two extremes I typically fall into.
It's hard, though, when that looming brush with the Other, with the calamitous extraordinary, rears it's head and the who and what I could have been is at the forefront of my mind. I don't regret the decision I made, but the extreme effort it took to come to that decision and enforce it on my life circumstances reverberates.
It doesn't help that I'm also (it seems "as always" would be appropriate here) in a transitional period in my life. I'm at the new job still building up a client base, making new connections with the people there, easing into the new routine. There's a lack of stability that makes it difficult to center and focus, which makes it harder for me to really be in-touch with my emotions and to be as genuine as I want to be.
Realistically, my life is good. I'm in a safe spot while I build the client base, Christmas is coming, I have good friends and when I've got everything settled my new job seems great. But at this time of year it's hard for me to shake this malaise, and the dissonance between my emotional state and my physical state is uncomfortable.
It does help to write it, though, to put it in words. Words hammer the thoughts into shapes to give them form and purpose. Doing mundane things also helps, like watching a simple cooking show, to contrast the extremity of the alternative I didn't take. I'll power through it, maybe someday even reap the benefits of this sideways association with the anti-normal, but it'll take, like everything else, even more effort.
1 month agoTropes I Am What I Am
So it's been a pretty great two weeks, to be honest. So the week after my update post I failed miserably at keeping my nutrition in check - but what did I expect, with it being a vacation and all? I'm back on track with mealprep now, and having a routine helps a lot, so here's hoping I'm fully back in the swing of things.
New job is starting up. I currently have three Bootcamp classes and one private client, and am working to increase my training load. The more I train, the happier I'll be - and the bigger my financial buffer zone. I'm still staying with the family at the moment, which is... sub-optimal but not the worst thing in the world.
I'm working on band stuff with a few friends! We don't have anything ready to show yet, but we'll be called Born In Clouds, and we're very excited to start showing our stuff soon!
I'm doing NaNoWriMo again, like every year since I started doing it. It's been nuts! I had no plan and no ideas since my energy was diverted elsewhere, but I cannibalized an old idea or two and suddenly the floodgates opened. I'm ten days ahead of schedule and still only on Act I, putting this on-track to be the longest and most dense book I've ever done. I don't think it's that good (yet), and I'm also using it as an attempt to practice something specific that I've been thinking about for a long time, which is to step outside the gender binary with characters, especially in fantasy worlds whose founding cultures might not have a historical reason to enforce a heteronormative gender binary at all. I'm not sure how well or poorly I'm doing (for obvious reasons) so some genderfluid and gender-neutral beta readers will be a MUST if this novel passes my rigorous first edit and I decide to move forward with it as a publishable project, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
My training is going great, for the most part. I'm on the penultimate week of this month's split before I change it up again. It's five days of strength training and as much taekwondo as I can manage. Although today I was feeling kind of sick and my shoulder was acting up again, so I took a rest day today. Hopefully I'm fine tomorrow so I can jump right in again, but both yesterday and today bench press, and really any pressing motion or shoulder rotation, was a no-go. Which makes me sad, of course. I love training. Hell, if you'd have told me that I'd have had to make an active, conscious effort to force myself not to exercise more than five days a week back in high school I'd have thought you were insane. But I need to listen to my body and let it recover, and I really should get to a doctor to ask about my shoulder and check for any other nastiness.
Speaking of my training, I asked about competitive taekwondo teams at my school and I was told most local competitions follow Olympic rules and was told to look them up before I decided to go in for that since the training would be somewhat different. Doing so I did learn that in Olympic-style competitive taekwondo punches to the face actually *lose* points, which with my boxing background might be a problem on a physical and fight-instinct level, but I'm still a ways away from that being a concern. But I would like to compete at some point, to really test myself against other fighters. It's something I've realized about myself as I've got back into martial arts:
This body was made for fighting.
Martial arts training just feels good, feels right somehow, moreso than anything else I do. It's difficult to describe in a way that makes sense, but it's like my body sort of takes over, let's my brain shut down and everything becomes the cycle of attack and defense, of perfecting the techniques, of unbreakable focus and concentration. It's just me in my most natural state, so best to use it for something constructive, right?
So that's pretty much how things are going on my end. NaNoWriMo might mean my check-ins here aren't super frequent because most of my words will be used up, but I'll try to keep y'all updated!
1 month agoTropes I Am What I Am
Okay, so there we go.
I'm now no longer associated with Koko or Elite39. My notice was handed in two weeks ago Friday, which was my last day. It was surprisingly emotional, to be honest. I'll miss a good chunk of my old members, albeit I won't pretend that I'll miss managerial responsibility, especially in the context of such a small business. My hope is eventually to go back to Austin, but that is still past the horizon. As for right now I'll be doing more training exclusively, which is something that makes me a lot happier. As much as I can say as to why I left is, in large part I was burned out on managing. I also wanted to catch bigger fish; there are too many limitations in a small business like that on what reach I can have. There was other stuff too, but that stuff is closed behind an ironclad door of fitness industry professionalism.
As for this last weekend, I'm glad to say I still didn't drink but I definitely celebrated hard. With PIZZA! Yes, I had so much pizza even I woke up this morning and thought to myself "holy cocks, that was too much pizza." So this week in particular I plan on being very nutritionally on-point (I have a tendency to slip up a bit while trying to gain size, it's hard to eat my calorie requirements while still eating healthy). I'm also training five days this week as far as lifting goes, in a hardcore isolation split as opposed to my usual three days of hard, full-body conditioning with two of boxing.
One reason for that is because, in blunt practical terms, I no longer have access to heavy bags. So to pick up the slack I've taken the plunge and done something I've been meaning to do for a long time: I've dived into the world of Taekwon-Do. I had my first lesson today and plan on training that six days a week, either on-site or on my own. I'll do that for a few weeks and check my weight, but I'll have to spot-check my body composition, unfortunately, since I no longer have access to Koko's "FitCheck" Valhalla machine. But I guess the visual would be a good indicator, right?
I'm also starting a metal band, we're still figuring out a few things but expect me to yammer on about that sooner rather than later!
As for tonight, and as for my self-granted week off, I plan on hitting up a metal show and kicking back to relax. I'll check in soon!
1 month agoTropes I Am What I Am
So this video was put up this week. The last of the last, the end of The End. Paranoid, played one final time at the final show of the final tour of the progenitors of heavy metal, Black Sabbath.
I saw them on that tour, in Mansfield, MA. Outside, at the xfinity center. I had seats but my friend and I chose to stay on the lawn instead, where I met up with someone who I had seen play before in a much smaller place and a friend of his. It felt like how I always imagined the 70s, everyone good-naturedly talking, sharing their beer and weed freely. There was a mosh pit during Paranoid, just a series of push-pits up on the lawn because everyone was so excited that we were among the last people to see these living legends play live.
On the way back it took us an hour to get out of the parking lot. Someone said our car looked a little low, but I was so full of cannabis and alcohol so I fell asleep until I was shaken awake. We were on the side of the highway in a breakdown lane with a shredded tire and a flat spare. So we called AAA and I fell asleep again on the grass beside the highway until the tow truck came and dropped me off a block before my house before taking my friend and his car the rest of the way.
It was a magnificent time, one of the best nights of my life. I went the day I got hired at the job I finish one week from this moment.
Everything is endings and the closing of chapters.
2 months agoTropes I Am What I Am
So yesterday I received a call saying that I was good to go at a new job, and last night I gave my notice at my current one. In two weeks I'll stop there, then I have a week to myself to chill, relax, recover and begin to feel something like a human again. Which means, as always, all my plans have changed.
So, let's go over the state of how things look. My current/almost former job paid very little. Even with the overtime I barely made enough to make ends meet and, since I was spending maybe a single waking hour out of work to begin with, a month or two ago I made the decision to temporarily move back in with the family, where I currently am.
Depending on what I'm doing during a given hour my payscale will vary from my current amount per hour to up to three times as much, and the ideal (both for me and for the new company) is that I do the latter. I'll be starting off part-time and build my way up to full-time, at which point my payments across the board will go up per hour.
This all works out for me pretty well. Since I'm with the family I don't need to worry too much as I build up my client base, and since even when I've built that base the goal is 30-40 hours per week I'll have enough time to financially justify moving back out. I'll then move to somewhere ideally between my new workplace (Watertown, MA) and the practice space for my new band (Charlestown, MA), which I hope to name and get off the ground as soon as possible.
The only downside is that this delays my return to Texas. Initially my goal was to get a job down there at one of several gyms and find a new place, but this opportunity knocked and will hopefully allow me to save up some money to make that move when the time comes.
All in all, I'm looking forward to my little self-made vacation at the end of my two weeks most of all. It'll be a good time to reflect and catch up on living a life that is more than just working. Not sure if I want to maybe go somewhere or do something, but I have plenty of time to figure it out. All in all, my luck has turned again.
2 months agoTropes I Am What I Am
So I posted most of this on Facebook already but since I kinda hate Facebook I figured I'd post it here where people are nice (and kinda used to me dealing with my issues in the corner).
So since November I've basically become a lite nihilist (I wonder what could have happened). The thing is, maybe it's my upbringing and conditioning but I really don't want to be nihilistic. It's a pretty unrewarding worldview. When I'm really in a bad mood I tend to wallow in it.
But even when I'm not in those moods I have trouble coming up with a conscious reason that nihilism is not correct, and the way my brain works is that facts are facts. So if I can't find something in the world that says to my mind that it's wrong, then like it or not it's right.
Thoughts? I tend to face these things by reasoning them away like I did my fear of lightning and brain-eating parasites so if I have some reasoned thought process for "nihilism is not correct" it might help me. I don't think that way because I want to (I actually very much want NOT to be a nihilist), I think that way because nothing has been able to convince me otherwise for months.
So hit me with your best shot: What do you have, what does your mind hold on to, in order to tell yourself that there is some kind of meaning or point to anything? Do you think about this at all, even? If you do think that there's no point or purpose to anything and we're all just a bunch of unimportant mites on an unimportant mite in an indifferent immensity of a purposeless universe then how do you deal with that, psychologically?
I should note I'm not necessarily talking about religion or lack thereof. I'm not certain if there is or isn't a divine entity or several or none, but if there is I would also like to point out they seem like they're probably evil with the state of things. I don't need faith in a God, I want to be able to convince myself to have faith in fucking *anything* again.
Am I a writer? A manager? A coach? I guess now I'm just me.
Huge fantasy nerd. It's what I love to read and what I love to write, but as you can see above historical and sci-fi are also favorites even though I've written sci-fi only rarely and my only attempt at historical fiction was the worst book (thankfully unpublished) I'd ever written.
I prefer to know people before friending them, either in person or through interacting meaningfully on the site, FYI.
My beard bead from Grimfrost and current hair, just because the suit picture no longer does my beard justice.
Hello! I recently joined the RTNE group & see that you are a mod. I was wondering if you might be able to give me some tips on setting up & running a group? I want to get an active RTNH group going :)
| Asked by: SassyKay 8 months ago
Be able to dedicate a lot of time! I'm actually looking for someone to take over the RTNE group because my work schedule has expanded significantly and I think the community deserves someone who can give it the time. So if you don't think you can commit and commit HARD then I'd say to wait until you can.
Also, be prepared to start slow. The first few events may be only one or two people, and sometimes no one may show up at all. That's okay, don't get discouraged! Things pick up eventually, but only after a lot of time and energy has been poured in.
Best of luck! :)